Pain

Searing pain.

 

That's what woke me up at 5 a.m. Tension migraine starting in the right shoulder and causing intense searing pain behind the right eye. Wrestling with it for a bit I tried to consciously relax. When that failed, I got up and got a glass of water and some Excedrin.

 

Nauseous. Stomach cramps. Migraine. Shoulder pain.

 

Prayed Jezu, Jezu, Jezu - with every breath out I breathed His name.

 

I felt as though I was back in the throes of Dengue. Or that it was happening again. I remembered being bitten by a few mosquitos last night. Oh NO!

 

I asked Jesus, the Son of David to have mercy on me.

 

Mercy, mercy, mercy.

 

I got up and turned off the floor fan. I sat on the edge of the bathtub over the toilet and asked for strength. I spat a few times into the bowl but never heaved.

 

I found my lavender scented stress relieving neck pillow and microwaved it, causing the inverter to give off it's plaintive beep-beep warning before sending off it's long continuous beeeeep of death. No more power til 6. *sigh* I hoped it wouldn't disturb the rest of the house too much.

 

I came back to bed and pulled the blanket tighter around my shoulders. I wanted only to scream His name into the darkness - but I didn't want to scare Beth Ann who slept fitfully in the bed next to mine, so I kept on moaning His name sometimes in English, more often in Creole.

 

Asking him to hold me, to help me, to guide me. Asking if this was necessary, a thought slowly forming of 'how else are you going to meet a good doctor?' and thinking 'well, if this is what it took to meet my doctor husband it will be worth it.'

 

Less than a thought and more of a vision came of having to go to the States and leave home. Being wheeled through the airports with a bucket to be sick in. The airport security and personnel trying to get me out of sight of other passengers for fear of ensuing panic. Traveling without Doodles. Getting to a hospital and the nurse asking my blood type - smiling weakly and answering B+. Seeing IV's and life giving blood slowly drip into my exhausted body. Wondering if Doodles could be with me in the hospital - not a pet but an emotional support animal. Trying to convince Mom and Dad to leave my side and continue on with Teddy and Tiffany, that I was fine. That I just needed to rest.

 

After this vision I was again only able to cry out to Jesus slowly repeating His precious name.

 

I tried to touch my forehead and cheeks for any sign of a fever, I've been told that if I ever have a fever that goes over 101 I need to be back in the States within 24 hours as it could be a second strain of dengue which could in turn cause a hemorrhagic response. I didn't feel warm but rather chilled, even with the semi-warmth of the neck pillow and the blanket.

 

I felt as I had during the delirium of dengue - as though I could just barely grasp onto one thought, and all I wanted that one thought to be was Jesus.

 

I finally fell back asleep. 

 

I had the faint idea of His wanting my only thoughts to only be about Him all of the time and to fall in love with Him.