So, the past week and a half has been difficult. If you know me, you know that I tend to bottle-things up and then one little incident will push me over the edge. This was the case on Monday. I'd had some news about my family, and some issues with friends and co-workers, and deaths in friends families, all which I kept inside until, the internet was out and the jump drive I'd bought for such occasions did not work. That was the last straw. And the tears flowed. I got to work and just sobbed in Prudence's arms - but work for the day had already started and I had to pull myself together. I saw a posting recently: "You never know how strong you are...until being strong is the only choice you have." - Cayla Mills. Friday felt like that. All I wanted to do was collapse into a heap and sob my heart out. Instead I had to pull myself together, I NEEDED to pull myself together. Praying for strength I plunged into the work day ahead.
Specifically in regards to Nate, I'd had some disturbing news earlier in the week about his latest with Cancer - he's started on a chemo drug and finding it rough - barely having the energy to get off the couch, plus a new oncologist appointment that I'D put hope in went horrible. I'd written to my prayer partners over the weekend and said:
"I sit here and the tears well up in my eyes as I hear a Still Small Voice
whisper: "My hope is in the LORD" - but I cry out and say - but Lord, is it? I
know that's what your Word tells me - I know that's what David said - but can I?
In the Dominican last week on retreat we had a time of prayer for some of those
of us in pain. We didn't share - we just sat in a circle and people prayed as
they felt led. I sat there and cried. I had two people who prayed for me -
strength and encouragement in being away from family at this time, for hope in
the Lord, and one - one who just held me and that may have been the best thing.
I clung to her and cried and let the prayers of others wash over me.
God knew this was ahead. He knew that I'd been hoping on this
appointment - this 'second opinion/second chance' and He knew that I was going
to need to be lifted up.
I need to make sure that my HOPE is in Him and
whatever the circumstances, whatever He's going to allow to happen in my life,
in my brother's life is not beyond His control. Nor is it beyond His grace."
Today, I admitted out loud some of my recent stresses in life. Life itself is stressing. Broken water pipes are stressing (see Friday Night Fun?.) Having no one to share with is stressing. Feeling the weight of teams is stressing. Trying to be a good hostess but barely knowing where to start is stressing. It's how I handle the stress. And lately it's not been so good.
But at the same time I realized that I have to trust Him and His timing. With the little things as well as the big things in life. I trust Him.
I need to let these words, and their truth echo in my mind when I feel discouraged.
I trust Him.
May they ring in my ears when I lie awake at night and the tears wet my pillow.
I trust Him.
When my arms ache to hold some loved one close, may I cling to them instead.
I trust Him.
When my heart is heavy and I feel alone.
I trust Him.
Today, He pressed me to read Evidence Not Seen by Darlene Deibler Rose. It is the story of her life and faith in the midst of a Japanese POW camp during WWII.
As I read through her incredible story I was brought to tears so many times. I've written out below a portion that fitted with my earlier "I trust Him" phrase.
"Lord, I believe all that the Bible says. I do walk by faith and not by sight. I do not need to feel You near, because Your Word says You will never leave me nor forsake me. Lord, I confirm my faith; I believe." The words of Hebrews 11:1 welled up, unbeckoned, to fill my mind: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." The evidence of things not seen. Evidence not seen -- that was what I put my trust in -- not in feelings or moments of ecstasy, but in the unchanging Person of Jesus Christ....More than ever before, I knew that I could ever and always put my trust in my faith, in my glorious Lord."
